An Almost Death

The night was so dark you could see the abyss stare back into you like Nietzsche used to say,
the screams were so loud you could hear silence go silent for a second,
the letter that I wrote did not exist on the sheet of paper in front of me,
the warm life that people talked about had long escaped from under my tongue.

The tears falling from my eyes and into my lips had lost their saltiness that made them tears,
the flowers on my neighbour’s windows no longer smelt like sweet summer love,
the curtains on every window looked like they were trying to choke the room,
like the very air I breathed was slowly choking my own lungs from inside.

My memory blurries here, I do not remember if it was impulse or if it was reason,
I do remember the messy cloth pile on the floor from which I pulled out the scarf,
I remember how my hands looked as they mechanically tied it to the ceiling and knotted it,
I remember how the noose felt against the base of my throat when I slipped it on and stood on my tiptoes.

Spotify’s ads playing in the background, I remember summoning the courage to let my feet leave the mattress,
I remember the neighbour’s kids starting a ruckus on their terrace so late,
I remember how the clock hands moved irrespective of me and the date moved forward,
I remember thinking that even for death I couldn’t find an opportune moment.

I can remember the exact moment I could hear their footsteps come towards my door,
the fear filling my head, my fingers tearing off my death from the ceiling and from around my neck,
not the fear of death, neither the fear of a grief stricken family and friends, nor the fear of emptiness that I would leave behind,
fear of being discovered, fear of the punishment I would get for attempting to get death.

So I settled myself with letting blood drip down my hands in crimson bubbled splashes,
into the porcelain basin, so spotless, just like I was expected to be,
it’s okay to let pain consume you whole till it empties you but not okay to let it show outside,
for their flimsy illusions are built on unstable foundation of blade cut skin and almost deaths.

Shreya 😉